By: Rachel Kove, Edited & Published by Markie Bryant
After working in the mental health and addiction field for over 16 years, one common thread I’ve seen is this: addiction and compulsive behaviors are attempts to feel safe, strategies to gain control, and ways to avoid uncomfortable feelings.
Why do we do this? There are many factors, but one of the main patterns I’ve observed in the thousands of people I’ve worked with is this: these adults were once children who grew up in environments where their emotions were not accepted. They weren’t seen. They were not allowed to cry. They were not allowed to express themselves. Vulnerability was seen as weakness. The children weren’t properly emotionally attuned with.
Children learn from what is consistently modeled around them. When feelings are ignored, suppressed, or denied, the child grows into an adult who does the same—to themselves and to others. They invalidate, dismiss, and minimize their inner experiences and then project that onto their spouses, friends, coworkers, and even their children. If someone can’t connect to their own feelings, they avoid connecting with others. This creates emotionally distant relationships that lack intimacy, depth, and room for growth.
How do we change something that has been happening for generations? Something so deeply ingrained in our culture and societal norms?
We must learn to build our relational skills. We need tools to tolerate and process all our internal experiences. We need to be seen and heard—not fixed. Our feelings aren’t problems to be solved. They’re experiences to sit with and move through. The more capacity we build to access and connect to our inner world, the more we can hold space for others.
One must cultivate a practice of being present and creating safety within. Set aside time each day to tune into your body and ask:
Approach this with curiosity and compassion. This is a process. You’re building trust with yourself—learning to sit with the pain, the grief, the rage, and the shame. Give yourself permission to feel it all. As the saying goes, “healing is in the feeling.”
For those who have spent a lifetime surviving by avoiding their feelings, it can feel overwhelming and foreign to sit still and feel. As you learn to sit with your emotions, have comforting things around you that you can touch, hear, see, smell, and taste. Wrap yourself in a cozy blanket or cuddle with your dog. Hold a pillow. Listen to a comforting song or soothing water sounds. Spend time in nature. Create a sense of safety and comfort in your space to help you feel more at ease.
I hear clients say all the time, “I don’t want to cry.” But their bodies wouldn’t produce those tears if they didn’t need to cry. What people really fear is sharing their feelings and being judged or rejected. Invalidated or dismissed. It’s painful as an adult, just as it was painful as a child. That’s why we learned to survive through dissociation and suppression.
What people truly want is to be accepted in their experiences. To be joined, loved, and understood. They want empathy. This is how we help heal each other—by being present and developing the ability to hold space for someone else in their experience.
We must learn to create safety within ourselves by building the capacity to hold what arises. It’s easy to distract ourselves—especially in today’s world, where we’re constantly busy with work, social media, and never-ending to-do lists. So many people convince themselves they’re “fine,” but “fine” is not a feeling. People aren’t fine—they’re lonely and desperate for connection.
Connection with themselves, others, their higher power, and with life. People want intimacy with life.
As Brené Brown said, “People numb hard feelings, which in turn numbs joy, gratitude, and happiness.”
Feelings are complex, but the more trust we build with our bodies and the more we use self-regulation tools, the less controlled we feel by our inner world. We start to understand that these states are temporary. They don’t last forever.
We can observe them, show ourselves compassion, and find healthy ways to process them: crying, screaming, journaling, laughing, playing, exercising, meditation, shaking it out, or simply just being still. The more we allow ourselves to feel, the more alive we become.
Here are some steps to start building a relationship with your feelings:
You must learn to “get comfortable in the uncomfortable.” Nothing new is easy. People don’t become professional athletes overnight. It takes time, consistent practice, and effort.
Your emotions are powerful. Most of the feelings we experience now are the same ones we had to bottle up as children to get through difficult moments. There is nothing wrong with you. This is something most people in our society struggle with.
Why do so many people drink alcohol? Because it’s soothing. It dulls the anxiety and fear. People are desperate to be themselves—desperate to be wholeheartedly appreciated for all of who they are.
If we don’t learn to control how we respond to our internal world, it will control us. The more I learned to take space and give myself time to process what I was feeling, the better my outcomes became. The more joy I found in myself and my relationships. The more authentic I became. Sometimes this meant leaving work, sitting in my car, turning on meditation music, and bawling my eyes out. Other times, it meant stepping into a private room after being triggered, sitting down, and breathing through the tension that surfaced. Sometimes it means going on a walk, breathing through anger or frustration.
DO NOT deny your feelings anymore. They exist. Make time for them. The more time you spend with anything, the more trust is built. Don’t judge yourself. Don’t belittle yourself. Give yourself permission to just be.
Allow your body to move and express itself in safe, intentional ways. When you do this consistently, you will experience less stress, more joy, and a profound sense of consciousness within yourself, your relationships, and your connection to a higher power. People will feel more connected to you and emotionally safe in your presence.
People suppress emotions for various reasons, often because they were taught in childhood that expressing feelings was unacceptable. This can stem from societal norms, family dynamics, or past experiences where vulnerability was perceived as weakness.
Avoiding emotions can lead to increased stress, anxiety, and unhealthy coping mechanisms such as addiction, emotional detachment, or compulsive behaviors. Over time, suppressed emotions can contribute to physical health issues and relationship difficulties.
Start by creating a safe space for yourself. Practice self-reflection, journal your thoughts, and check in with your body. Allow yourself to feel emotions without judgment, and use techniques like deep breathing, mindfulness, and talking to a trusted person.
For many, emotions like sadness, anger, or shame feel overwhelming because they were never taught how to process them. The brain often associates these feelings with danger, leading to avoidance as a self-protection mechanism. With practice, sitting with emotions becomes easier.
Yes! Crying is a natural emotional release that helps regulate stress hormones and process deep emotions. It’s a healthy way for the body to let go of built-up tension and unprocessed feelings.
Building emotional safety starts with self-compassion and awareness. Recognize that emotions are temporary and valid. Engage in self-soothing practices like grounding exercises, deep breathing, and surrounding yourself with comforting objects or environments.
Trauma often teaches people to disconnect from their feelings as a survival mechanism. Over time, this detachment can become habitual, making it difficult to access emotions. Healing requires rebuilding trust with your body and emotions, often through therapy, mindfulness, or self-exploration.
When people feel seen, heard, and validated, their nervous system regulates more effectively. Emotional connections provide support, safety, and understanding, which are essential for processing emotions and developing deeper relationships.
A simple way to start is by pausing when you feel something arise instead of immediately distracting yourself. Set a timer for two minutes, breathe deeply, and observe the emotion without pushing it away. Over time, this practice will help build emotional tolerance.
Yes! Suppressed emotions can contribute to chronic stress, muscle tension, digestive issues, and even immune system dysfunction. Addressing emotions in a healthy way can improve overall well-being, reduce anxiety, and promote long-term health.
